To truly appreciate the events that unfolded (or unzipped, as you would have it) this evening, I will give you a little history on the bar. Built in the late 1800's, breif stint as a whore house. Ah, the irony. I would have rather eaten iron, than see what I had to tonight.
Seriously, on the list of things I've had to deal with, and wasn't trained for, this tops it.
First, I must explain the "subjects". We'll call the female "Tina", better yet, we'll call her "Crazy Tina". She's about 5'1", double D's (that are always on display, of course) CRAZY 80's hair, and about 180-190 lbs. Oh! And, I'm pretty sure when she looks in the mirror, she sees a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model. (Secretly, I want this mirror). Also, she's crazy, or bi-polar, or a ridiculous alcoholic, or a drug addict, or any random combination of all.
The male, we'll call him "Plumber Steve", who is DEFINATELY the town drunk, or a close second. Thankfully, doesn't frequent my bar that often. Every time I see him we have the same conversation, "I never get a good drink in this bar, but you haven't served me one yet." He never remembers, I have served him before, and I'm the one that cut him off the last time. "WHO'S YOUR PLUMBER?" It hasn't changed since I answered this question last week, buttnuts.
It's a typical, slow, Tuesday night, maybe 12 people in the bar. I'm conversing with a few of the guests when I notice "Crazy Tina" not only has on her "supermodel face", but "supermodel orgasm face". My gaze (unfortunately) moves down her arm. SHIT SHIT SHIT! Maybe I really don't see this. So I walk out from behind the bar, walk down the row of barstools, to the crazies. SHIT SHIT SHIT! She's jacking him off, F@CK!
SHIT SHIT SHIT!
I run to the back, all the while trying not to vomit.
SHIT SHIT SHIT!
Somehow I compose myself, cash her out, tell them that isn't appropriate in a bar, and ask them to leave.
It's Tuesday. What else is in store for me this week?
SHIT
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
Ladies and Gentlemen, Meet the Patrons
The Lifer: People who "grew up in this bar". These people know EVERYTHING about, not only the bar, but the town, and generally every other topic that comes up. They will be quick to point out that whatever you do, it will NEVER be as great as what once was.
The Novice: Someone new to the bar or area who will be tried, tested, and generally all around annoyed by "The Lifer". For whatever reason, these people are all cool, and very few novices make it long in this particular bar. They are usually scared away.
The Newbie: The 21 year old, by three days, that gives you shit for checking their I.D. "SERIOUSLY, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU NEED TO SEE MY ID!!!" - said 21 yr old. "Hey fuckstick, I also need to see the 39 year old's next to you, IT'S THE LAW, you are not being singled out"
The Creep: This patron generally doesn't have a home bar. If you frequent the pubs, you'll see him. He preys on the female, the naive, the drunk. This is almost always the scariest of the patrons, as he will do whatever necessary to "meet his goal".
The Cougar: Nothing more needs to be said, they are all the same, and gross.
Mr. Suave: I understand that you've practiced this line in the mirror for days now, but where you think you're being funny or original, we have heard every line a hundred times.
The Drunk: Unfortunately, I think a few of these procreated, and there's a massive amount in this particular bar. If the signs aren't clear enough, this specimen will shout things like; "Did you put any booze in this?" (wait 'til your next one) "I don't have enough to tip, I'll get you next time" (after 14 beam and cokes - no wonder you don't have enough to tip - Also, I left you a tip in this drink) Hmmm, when will people realize that you don't fuck with the person that controls the booze.
The Bar Whore: Always goes to the bar after she has "lost" her debit/credit card, and only $8.00 in her wallet, to ensure she doesn't buy any of her own drinks. Should she have to, she will undoubtedly purchase the special, but once asked if she'd like a drink, she will order the most expensive liquor, on the rocks.
The Name Dropper: Exactly how it sounds, will use and abuse the owner's name, in hopes it will get them closer to their goal at the bar.
The Perfect Guest: This person is unfortunately a myth, a tale handed down from bartender to bartender for as long as the world has turned.
The Novice: Someone new to the bar or area who will be tried, tested, and generally all around annoyed by "The Lifer". For whatever reason, these people are all cool, and very few novices make it long in this particular bar. They are usually scared away.
The Newbie: The 21 year old, by three days, that gives you shit for checking their I.D. "SERIOUSLY, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU NEED TO SEE MY ID!!!" - said 21 yr old. "Hey fuckstick, I also need to see the 39 year old's next to you, IT'S THE LAW, you are not being singled out"
The Creep: This patron generally doesn't have a home bar. If you frequent the pubs, you'll see him. He preys on the female, the naive, the drunk. This is almost always the scariest of the patrons, as he will do whatever necessary to "meet his goal".
The Cougar: Nothing more needs to be said, they are all the same, and gross.
Mr. Suave: I understand that you've practiced this line in the mirror for days now, but where you think you're being funny or original, we have heard every line a hundred times.
The Drunk: Unfortunately, I think a few of these procreated, and there's a massive amount in this particular bar. If the signs aren't clear enough, this specimen will shout things like; "Did you put any booze in this?" (wait 'til your next one) "I don't have enough to tip, I'll get you next time" (after 14 beam and cokes - no wonder you don't have enough to tip - Also, I left you a tip in this drink) Hmmm, when will people realize that you don't fuck with the person that controls the booze.
The Bar Whore: Always goes to the bar after she has "lost" her debit/credit card, and only $8.00 in her wallet, to ensure she doesn't buy any of her own drinks. Should she have to, she will undoubtedly purchase the special, but once asked if she'd like a drink, she will order the most expensive liquor, on the rocks.
The Name Dropper: Exactly how it sounds, will use and abuse the owner's name, in hopes it will get them closer to their goal at the bar.
The Perfect Guest: This person is unfortunately a myth, a tale handed down from bartender to bartender for as long as the world has turned.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
No joke, patrons really said this.
Man comes up to the bar last night, orders his second 7/7, sits down at a table. Promptly gets back up, runs to the bar, "Hey, I forget, what's in a 7/7 again?" :/
"There's just something about Jagermeister, you can put it in the fridge, and it won't even freeze! Seriously, try it!" - this gentleman was in his mid fourties to early fifties - seriously? How do you get to be that old and natural selection hasn't killed you off yet?
"You look really bloated (mind you, I've never served this guy before) are you pregnant?" I don't care if I look like I'm going to pop the think out 5 minutes later behind the bar - NEVER the right thing to say to your female bartender! Really, dude, do you think you're getting another drink after that?
"I'll have a captain martini dirty" says prissy 21 year old. "You would like a captain morgan martini dirty, are you sure?" - says The Bartender. "Uh, that's what I ordered, isn't it? And with olives too!" Big ole fake smile from me (clearly I don't have to be a bitch here - she's going to kick her own ass) "Absolutely" - me. Needless to say, she clearly didn't like it, as she only took two sips, and left a half hour later, funny though, she didn't send it back.
More to come, out of time! Happy Thursday!
"There's just something about Jagermeister, you can put it in the fridge, and it won't even freeze! Seriously, try it!" - this gentleman was in his mid fourties to early fifties - seriously? How do you get to be that old and natural selection hasn't killed you off yet?
"You look really bloated (mind you, I've never served this guy before) are you pregnant?" I don't care if I look like I'm going to pop the think out 5 minutes later behind the bar - NEVER the right thing to say to your female bartender! Really, dude, do you think you're getting another drink after that?
"I'll have a captain martini dirty" says prissy 21 year old. "You would like a captain morgan martini dirty, are you sure?" - says The Bartender. "Uh, that's what I ordered, isn't it? And with olives too!" Big ole fake smile from me (clearly I don't have to be a bitch here - she's going to kick her own ass) "Absolutely" - me. Needless to say, she clearly didn't like it, as she only took two sips, and left a half hour later, funny though, she didn't send it back.
More to come, out of time! Happy Thursday!
Monday, August 17, 2009
The beginning of the rants
The world of bartending, and the service industry in general is a crazy, wild ride. Sometimes, crazier and wilder than we'd like. Every time I think that I've heard it all, someone will, inevitably, prove me wrong.
Generally speaking, those of us in the service industry are in this business because we love it, or we tell ourselves we do, every day, because this is how we pay our bills.
Why do we choose this as our profession? A genuine love for the industry? Stumbled into it as a college student? The only job we could find? That art degree we spent so much money on isn't panning out to what we hoped? Whatever our reasoning, most of us soon realize, we will not escape this lifestyle.
We are "therapists", peace keepers, the ones who control the booze, and most of all, glorified babysitters. We are also, the sober ones at the bar, therefore we are the ones who can remember and re-tell the ridiculous bullshit that happens as we sling drinks.
If you are also a part of this crazy and wonderful industry, and have a story or comment, please share. Everyone knows, bartenders have the best stories.
The intent of this blog is an attempt at some semblance of sanity, or normalcy, in the life of a bartender.
Cheers!
Generally speaking, those of us in the service industry are in this business because we love it, or we tell ourselves we do, every day, because this is how we pay our bills.
Why do we choose this as our profession? A genuine love for the industry? Stumbled into it as a college student? The only job we could find? That art degree we spent so much money on isn't panning out to what we hoped? Whatever our reasoning, most of us soon realize, we will not escape this lifestyle.
We are "therapists", peace keepers, the ones who control the booze, and most of all, glorified babysitters. We are also, the sober ones at the bar, therefore we are the ones who can remember and re-tell the ridiculous bullshit that happens as we sling drinks.
If you are also a part of this crazy and wonderful industry, and have a story or comment, please share. Everyone knows, bartenders have the best stories.
The intent of this blog is an attempt at some semblance of sanity, or normalcy, in the life of a bartender.
Cheers!
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