Ladies and Gentlemen, Meet the Patrons

The Lifer: People who "grew up in this bar". These people know EVERYTHING about, not only the bar, but the town, and generally every other topic that comes up. They will be quick to point out that whatever you do, it will NEVER be as great as what once was.

The Novice: Someone new to the bar or area who will be tried, tested, and generally all around annoyed by "The Lifer". For whatever reason, these people are all cool, and very few novices make it long in this particular bar. They are usually scared away.

The Newbie: The 21 year old, by three days, that gives you shit for checking their I.D. "SERIOUSLY, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU NEED TO SEE MY ID!!!" - said 21 yr old. "Hey fuckstick, I also need to see the 39 year old's next to you, IT'S THE LAW, you are not being singled out"

The Creep: This patron generally doesn't have a home bar. If you frequent the pubs, you'll see him. He preys on the female, the naive, the drunk. This is almost always the scariest of the patrons, as he will do whatever necessary to "meet his goal".

The Cougar: Nothing more needs to be said, they are all the same, and gross.

Mr. Suave: I understand that you've practiced this line in the mirror for days now, but where you think you're being funny or original, we have heard every line a hundred times.

The Drunk: Unfortunately, I think a few of these procreated, and there's a massive amount in this particular bar. If the signs aren't clear enough, this specimen will shout things like; "Did you put any booze in this?" (wait 'til your next one) "I don't have enough to tip, I'll get you next time" (after 14 beam and cokes - no wonder you don't have enough to tip - Also, I left you a tip in this drink) Hmmm, when will people realize that you don't fuck with the person that controls the booze.

The Bar Whore: Always goes to the bar after she has "lost" her debit/credit card, and only $8.00 in her wallet, to ensure she doesn't buy any of her own drinks. Should she have to, she will undoubtedly purchase the special, but once asked if she'd like a drink, she will order the most expensive liquor, on the rocks.

The Name Dropper: Exactly how it sounds, will use and abuse the owner's name, in hopes it will get them closer to their goal at the bar.

The Perfect Guest: This person is unfortunately a myth, a tale handed down from bartender to bartender for as long as the world has turned.